Speechless or Wordless?

I must say that I'm starting to feel the need for blogging.  Oh but I should also say that it's not easy!  Each time I go home and tell myself to blog, my words are just not there.  Well, I guess I should just try harder.  Besides, blogging is therapeutic.  Who knows what changes in my psyche it could bring.  It always pays to reflect on our and other's lives because we learn so much more than we can ever imagine.  Only, "Words are insufficient.".  Words are never enough.  Well then, we just have to back it up with who we are and what we do.  :)

So enjoy and read on...

(This is from my other blog.  I transferred it here.  I inadvertently created two accounts - google and yahoo.  Since I use my yahoo account more, I added this blog here.  I'd be deleting the other one.)

Killing Time

Today, I lazed around like a dog.  I needed this I thought.  I slept around 9pm and woke up at 5am and then slept again and woke up at 11am.  I was supposed to conduct an acting class for BA-EMS and then I learned that they were having some internal management problems (whatever they are, I couldn't expound on).

My last week had been relatively busy.  I conducted a training for a kiddie company that went from Monday until Thursday last week and as always, I was awed by the new batch of trainees.  The whole week I had some fun aside from the emotional challenges I had undergone (I couldn't expound on them either - heart matters :x).  I was scatterbrained.  I didn't have any direction.  My sense of direction would only come from the trainees that I was responsible to train and my journal/ organizer that controlled my seemingly autopiloted life.  It was tiring only because I didn't have higher goals.  I reached my plateau.  I was lost.  I forgot the very dream that I wanted to live for - to sing.

I outlined the whole training program for the whole week probably for more than 20th times this time.  And I must honestly say that I needed a little break.  I was glad that it would end Monday but at the same time, I felt a little sad that I wouldn't see the smart and funny new batch of trainees.  I had always missed every batch.

In my other consult, a marketing solutions and events company, I felt too that I lost my touch.  They had always trusted me but I was afraid that I would disappoint them.  I couldn't find my real direction and they too had been affected by my hectic schedule.

Next week, there would be another consult coming in, a PR agency.  Not that I wasn't excited to work with them, I really was (and still am).  I just feared that I might not be prepared to handle the responsibilities for this nationwide event.

This is not I.  I have always lived my life being able to deliver what I should deliver.  But this time, I guess it's not about delivering anymore.  It's whether my heart is in what I deliver.  Is this what I really want to do?  I've been going around circles for so long (in my life and in this blog).  Only to always realize that I will always get back to the basic need of my heart - singing.  I have always wanted to do this.  But for some reasons, life is pulling me away from it.  I must have been avoiding focusing on it.  Because I fear a lot of things.  I got to be facing myself now and giving the same advice I gave to my photographer friend of mine, "Art is not competitive, it's about expressing and communicating yourself.  If you view it as competitive, you'll always be insecure.  Live your art because you love doing it and it's not work."  Easier said and done, I guess.  I'm happy for him though.  He's started doing what he loves.

As scatterbrained as this blog is, I wish I could buy focus and concentration and discipline and other good habits.  This too, shall pass.  I understand that this is a stage I have to undergo.  I just wish I could hurry myself up past this stage.  But then again, I just can't.  I just have to savor each moment.  My time will come.  I know it will.  I just have to learn to cut through the circle.  

If you feel bored reading this, share my feelings as I was writing it. ;)

On a last note, I'm uploading this video to remind myself to sing more often.  A friend said that I should perform more.  One thing though, people take notice of Tintin (the girl in the background) more than my singing voice.  (Lol)

I'll be uploading more videos of myself singing. :)